not quite what I was planning

20 Jul

**WARNING: This will not be pretty. I may cry, scream or throw things. I apologize but I have to get this off my chest. If I don’t journal this I cannot move on and write the other posts in my head.  I am usually so upbeat but the last few days I have been in a complete funk. I am stressed!! If you turn back now, I completely understand.

I thought I had it all figured out. And by all I meant ALL of it – ya know, the eating, the working out, the family, and the work. ALL.

And then the roof crashed in on me.

An unexpected bill just zapped every bit of a cushion we had.  To say this was a downer would be too nice. I am pissed. It seems like every time we get situated and comfortable something happens. Murphy’s law anyone?!?!  I am telling you it happens to us all the time.  Big Man has been out of work for over two years and there just doesn’t seem to be anyone hiring in our area. I make a decent living and e are able to survive but let’s be real…I am a teacher so it isn’t like I am making millions.  I don’t get paid regularly in the summer so I budget my savings and summer earnings down to the penny.  Alright, not exactly but pretty dern close.

We don’t have a ton of money for extras but we all have everything we need. In my eyes, that means we are doing just fine. In today’s economy, I’d say we are the lucky ones. We have enough. We are all happy, fed, cool and comfortable. We have everything we need. No one goes without.

For the most part, having Big Man home has been wonderful. He takes care of most of the grocery shopping and a good majority of the housework (most of the time I should say. Since it is summer and I work less and he is a lazy man he will let me do most of the work if I let him).  I think it is very hard on him to still be out of work and not for lack of trying.  I work hard but not long hours.  I love my job…it is my career and I worked my a$$ off for six years to complete 2 bachelor’s degrees and a teaching certification course.

Our unexpected bill came out of nowhere and left us unprepared. I know we should have a better back up plan but it’s hard to have a good savings/back up plan when the budget is stretched so far.  I have gone through the bills and looked at the freezer and we will be ok. It will be hard and things will be tight but we will be ok.  I have to remember that these things happen and I cannot always control everything but I can control myself.

I have not been doing such a good job with control. In fact, the last few days have been exhausting.  First of all, the temperatures are ridiculously high and the humidity is higher.  The heat and humidity tend to drain all energy and motivation. Add on a stressful time and I am just DONE.  I am really low right now. I haven’t been able to think about my eating or working out.

My time with LA Boxing is over and I was hoping I could continue on there or join the gym with a relationship with my school district (hello discounts).  That thought went out the window this week and I think this bothers me the most. I was really enjoying working out regularly away from home.  I was just starting to enjoy running but this heat is crazy and I am totally afraid of falling off my treadmill if I run on it.

On top of all this crap, I am sleep deprived.  A puppy is a lot like a baby; Lucy wakes up in the middle of  the night to go out. I am super happy that she wakes me up but, my sleep is disrupted. I really like my sleep. I am not a morning person and the recent sleep disruptions has really not helped me get up early.  But,  have no fear, Lucy likes to get up around 6-6:30…no matter what time we go to bed or what time she went out in middle of night.  We get up and go out in the yard for a bit then in the house (so I can pee) and then we go for a walk.  Lucy is only 9 weeks old and she has very clumsy, growing legs and she has no leash skills so it takes us 20 minutes to do a 2-block loop.  By the time all that is done I am off to work. I actually have to be at work earlier for summer school than I do during the school year but I only have a week and a half left then all of August off.

A bad side effect of this money stress is that I am now doubting myself. What if I can’t live healthy and eat clean? What if I can’t run a half marathon? Who am I kidding, I am not a runner? Who am I to think I can actually do the work for such a big thing? How can I eat clean with such budget restraints?

Oh Fuck!

What have I gotten myself into?!?

I can’t do this.

I fucking hate doubting myself!

Think! Breathe!

I went to college with a 2 year old on my hip.

I lived with my grandparents so I could go to school with a 2 year old.

I never asked sperm donor for anything. I did it my way.

I graduated college with an 8 year old (almost 9).

I teach at-risk youth (these kids have the hardest lives and this was/is my first teaching job).

I work hard to be a good teacher, a good mom, a good wife.

I did not just make this list because I need accolades. I wrote it to remind myself that I am strong. If I can live through and survive that list I can make it through a little rough patch.  I just needed to remind myself.

A wise friend (I hope she knows who she is) told me to step back, breathe a whole lot, assess and evaluate even more, breathe even more. That friend is wise indeed.

It is time to make a new plan.

I need to take inventory. See what I have to create a workout plan. I will get my running started for real. I will try the treadmill or I will figure out how to deal with Lucy and get out of the house for a run.

I can do this, right?!?

I may need a good drunk or a good cry but I think WILL be ok!! I CAN do this! I just gotta breathe!

**I needed to figure this out. Having this weigh on my mind was blocking me from moving forward and I had writer’s block. I will return to our regularly scheduled ramblings shortly!

Much love, from me to you!!

xox, jen

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33 Responses to “not quite what I was planning”

  1. Loserforlife July 21, 2010 at 1:59 am #

    Hang in there, Jen. I know it's hard right now, but things will be okay. You are strong. Don't doubt what you can do. You have accomplished a lot of things and worked through adversity. You can do whatever you set your mind to 🙂 Much love!

    • jeninRL July 22, 2010 at 11:20 pm #

      I am hanging Marisa! Thanks for the love! xox

  2. Donna July 21, 2010 at 2:01 am #

    JEN! Hang in there, sweetie! I have been there, done that – well, similar anyway – and can tell you that you will find a way to get through it all. I have struggled w/ finding a way to fit in workouts while trying to earn a check. I've made deals w/ the gym. I've suspended my membership. I've walked through town in the snow and in the heat. I've done the treadmill with the door closed so I didn't wake up my family at 4:30 am. And God knows, I've dealt with unexpected bills. You are SO MUCH stronger than you know and I promise you will get through this rough spot. Sending you love & prayers ~ D

  3. Bari_F July 21, 2010 at 2:04 am #

    ((hugs)) my friend. Your list was a great idea and I hope it gave you some better perspective. I'm right with you with the doubts. Maybe we need to stay on each other to dump the negativity.

    • jeninRL July 22, 2010 at 11:24 pm #

      WE definitely need to stay on each other. The negative thoughts aredifficult to ignore – I will be checking in on ya!much love!

  4. Sugarmagnolia70 July 21, 2010 at 2:32 am #

    I don't even know you and I want to give you a big hug! It will all be ok. It just will. The same thing happens to us…right when we start to slightly get ahead with money, something big happens like the a/c breaking, or major car repair, etc. But you will be ok. And you know what? You ARE a runner. You run…therefore you are a runner. You don't have to be fast. Heck, you can even come in last place during the half marathon. All you have to do is finish. And finish you will. You will feel so proud of yourself after. Hugs.

    • jeninRL July 22, 2010 at 11:25 pm #

      Thank you. It may sound crazy but I feel that hug!much love !

  5. Shannon July 21, 2010 at 4:14 am #

    Just sending you love my friend. You will get throught this because it is who you are and no matter what bill shows up the important things are in tact. You, your daughter and Big Man. That is the core that cannot be shaken the rest of it is just the other stuff that messes with you every now and again. You can and will get through this. Much love! XOXO

    • jeninRL July 22, 2010 at 11:28 pm #

      Thanks Shannon! You know just what to say to make me feel better. My corehas not been shaken…the kid knows nothing and Big Man is helping me staystrong…we can get through anything – thanks for the reminder!!Much love! XOX

  6. Dr. Mo July 21, 2010 at 5:15 am #

    Big squishy supportive hugs heading your way!!!! You are one of the strongest people I know!! You and your incredibly amazing family will get thru this!!! This will NOT break you!!! It will make you STRONGER!!!!!! Love ya lots!!! @FitInMyHeart

    • jeninRL July 22, 2010 at 11:31 pm #

      I love ya lots too and I feel the big squishy hug!! Thanks!Much love!

  7. Heather H July 21, 2010 at 10:38 am #

    I hate these kinds of setback. We've had a lot of them lately, especially since I started staying home with my daughter… which pretty much stretches our budget to the absolute limit and means putting emergency expenses on credit cards. I am working again now, but freelance work pays very little…I hope you get through the tight budget times, out the other side, miraculously get a massive pay raise, come home to discover Big Man's found a high paying job, and wake up to find a free gym membership in your inbox. 🙂

    • jeninRL July 22, 2010 at 11:42 pm #

      Thank you for your support and encouragement. And thank you so much for yourkindness and concern today on twitter. I wasn't in a place to talk out loudyet but your words made me feel comforted and not so alone. Thank you forreaching out and offering your…well..you! That warms my heart. much love,my friend!XOX

  8. Jennifer Raymond Colgan July 21, 2010 at 1:47 pm #

    Jen, I get it, really I do. And I think you did exactly the RIGHT THING. You got it out! I'm the same way – if I let this stuff stay inside, it just eats away at me, until I'm left with – well – eating.Print out that list and post it where ever you need so you can see it as often as possible. Remind yourself that you've been through hard times in the past, and you've accomplished so much in the face of adversity, and you will do the same here.I'm sorry you're dealing with this – bills suck!!! Don't be afraid to be angry and upset, it's okay to feel those things. They help push you on and get through times like these, and you'll come out the other side with your doubts in the trash, I promise you.

    • jeninRL July 22, 2010 at 11:51 pm #

      Thanks Jenn!! I am owing it! Writing that post helped so much – I eventalked with Big Man and didn't sugar coat it. I cried a little and then gotreally pissed off but I told him ALL of it. You know me, I want to see onlythe good in all things. I find the positives and I stay smiling…I justcouldn't contain this. Blogging it out let me feel it and the emotions wereright there and I just let them all out and talked it out with Big Man. Ipromise you, I AM trying to kick the self doubts to the curb. Putting thingsin order and preparing is helping there. When I have a plan and I know whatthe hell I am doing, I am unstoppable. When my plans get screwed up I loseit!Thanks again, friend!Much LOVE!

  9. DareToBecome July 21, 2010 at 2:31 pm #

    Awww Jen……hang in there girl. And remember – do what YOU want. It is incredibly tempting in this day of online personas to get pulled into what everyone else may be doing. At the end of the day it is you that is getting the shaft when you don't follow your heart or get caught up in the game. One day at a time – it is really all any of us can do my friend.

    • jeninRL July 22, 2010 at 11:58 pm #

      I think it all stems from my need to belong. I did not even realize what Iwas doing but you are right – I easily get pulled into what everyone else isdoing. Saying NO is hard for me. Why is it sometime so hard to follow yourown heart?Everything we go through is all part of the learning process. This situationis just another lesson to learn and I will grow because of this experience….OMG!! Who am I?!?!Much LOVE!

  10. Trish July 21, 2010 at 6:46 pm #

    You are a strong determined woman that I know will get through this bump..yes bump…and be stronger for it!! I love ya!!

  11. Kirsten July 22, 2010 at 3:57 am #

    ((hugs)) Jen. I feel this same way a lot of times. Trying to get ahead has gotten harder the older I am. You can do this. And you know how I know? Because there's no other way but to put your head down and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Breathe in. Breathe out. You'll get to where you want to be.

    • jeninRL July 23, 2010 at 12:33 am #

      Thanks for the hugs and the reminder! There's no other way!much love!

  12. Jen, a priorfatgirl July 22, 2010 at 2:34 pm #

    I know I'm a day behind but I just wanted to let you know—you are breathing. That proves that you have fight in you. I love venting via the blog, it is so therapeutic to just type everything out and not hold back. It brings me to a place where I can just get things off my chest, stomp, kick and scream…and then move on.You are amazing!

    • jeninRL July 23, 2010 at 12:37 am #

      Thanks Jen!Much love!

  13. MizFit08 July 22, 2010 at 10:01 pm #

    frick Im late to this too but want to add that I believe in you. I ADORE YOU AND I ADMIRE YOU. you are tough, tenacious, brave and ballsy. we all have days where we doubt ourselves, stumble and just need to STOMP.OUR.FEET.HARD.I believe in you Jen. you CAN CAN DO THIS and we are all here rooting for you to succeed.xo xo

    • jeninRL July 23, 2010 at 12:39 am #

      You are right on time! Thank you for believing in me and rooting for me.much love!

  14. TheaDramaMama July 22, 2010 at 10:21 pm #

    I don't have any answers for you, but just know that I'm thinking about you. As with most of life's shitty parts, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.Let me know if you need anything!

    • jeninRL July 23, 2010 at 12:42 am #

      This too shall pass!Thanks for being you. Knowing you are thinking about me makes me smile.Thank you & Much love!

  15. Kat July 22, 2010 at 11:13 pm #

    Jen , pne of the things I admire about you is your strength. Sending you positive vibes. Hang in there and remember that “this too shall pass”.

    • jeninRL July 23, 2010 at 12:48 am #

      Thank you Kat! I am hanging in there and trying to remember that this willpass and I will be stronger because of it !Much love!

  16. lastminutemandy July 23, 2010 at 2:06 am #

    Lady, you know you can reach me when ever you need to – day or night. Call, text, skype, chat or tweet – I've got you! Much, much love. 😉

  17. Lissa_ShrinkingJeans July 23, 2010 at 3:28 pm #

    Love you, girl!!! I'm here for you! Maybe we can brainstorm together, as my hubby is out of work again, too. Now that I am home from Texas, my reality is setting in and I may freak out. xoxo

    • jeninRL July 23, 2010 at 3:54 pm #

      ok, but if we are going all Thelma & Louise we might want to brainstormoffline… IJSxoxoxox

  18. Mary (A Merry Life) July 29, 2010 at 11:28 pm #

    I’m sorry I’m so behind on my blog reading and didn’t see this sooner. You can do this. You can. You are amazing. And if you eve need to talk, send and email or call me. I’m available and know what it’s like. I love you!

  19. Dog October 24, 2010 at 4:16 pm #

    I like this article.First time to this website. Thanks for sharing. I am going to revisit this site. I am really intrigued by puppy behavoiral traits. I really believe that dogs are very intelligent beings. I guess we will soon find out. Thank you …

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