I am not awesome

30 Aug

Written late Sunday night. So today in this post is actually Sunday not today, which is Monday.

I set out this morning to run 6 miles. I found the perfect place and I mapped out a 1-mile loop. I was up with the alarm at 7 and I never get up with the alarm…I always stay in bed for at least “5 more minutes, ma!” I had a bag on the dining table with my clothes, socks and sneakers and all my running stuff (I have a little blue bag that holds my iPod, ear buds, BodyGlide, GYMBOSS, and now sports beans) last night. I let the puppy out and managed to get her back in bed with Big Man and me out of the bedroom without her causing a ruckus.

I got dressed, grabbed a banana and filled my water bottles and I was out. I drove to my spot and that’s when the need for a bathroom hit me. I was quite happy I hadn’t already started running.  I drove to my mom’s since she lives in same town as my spot. A detour. No biggie. I was excited for today’s run.  I went back to my spot and started my run.  I knew withing the first five minutes I was in trouble. My pants would not stay up – I wore my Thriv pants, my own fault…I should have worn my black spandex shorts – I swear I have issue with pants rolling down off my belly and not wanting to stay up. I really hate pulling up my pants when I am working out but I have yet to find the perfect pant for such needs…except, my non-flattering spandex shorts, which stay put in both the waist and the leg.

Oh boy, do I ramble.

So wardrobe malfunction.

But I kept going, tugging at the pants the whole time.  I never got in to any sort of rhythm, then my knee started hurting. My knee hasn’t bothered me in a while so I was sort of caught off guard. I kept going for a bit but I didn’t last. By the end of the second mile I was done. I didn’t want to push it.

I got back in my car and I cried. I felt like such a failure.  I texted a friend and to my surprise she was awake and texted back.  Thanks Mo for reminding me of the good stuff.

I have heard that running is mostly mental. I felt totally mental, sitting in my car crying my eyes out because I only completed 2 of the 6 miles I had set out to do.  My knee was sore – a bit tight feeling and my feet.  My head was full of self doubt – who am I kidding? I can’t do this? and other similar thoughts all ran through my head. Mo told me we were in this together and we would get through this “crisis.” side note: I have the best friends ever!

After talking (read: texting) back and forth, Mo thinks I am not stretching enough. She would be right since I hardly stretch. My training has been just the minimum. I have not given my all to this. I sort of know why after today’s episode…if this is all mental I have to believe in myself and just do it. No over thinking it, just doing it. When I wanted to go to college with a baby as a single mom, I had to just do it. I had to throw myself into my projects (each one as they came up).  When I met Big Man he was used to me going and doing my own thing and he had always (always had and always will) encouraged me but somehow being home with my tripod this summer has been my excuse. I have sabotaged myself and today I finally realized it.

A new week is upon me! I have fewer and fewer weeks before the half marathon but I vow this week to not sabotage myself. I vow to follow my training schedule for this week. I will also make sure to spend a few minutes every day for stretching! The Doctor has ordered it!

I may not be awesome right now, one cannot be awesome when one is self-sabotaging, BUT I am NOT giving up. I just have to step up my game. Basically, I have to shut up and run or shut up and train, as it is. This shall be hard….I am not good at shutting up!

Monday = Back to Reality!

*Drop Dead Gorgeous by December is teaching me to find positives in every week but this run was super hard on me mentally and I had to share the not awesome feelings of today, even though I was able to post something positive. I may not think I am awesome after the running fiasco but I really do think I’m super. **this is just in case you think its weird how my last post was all positive with a cute picture…I can be many emotions all at once.

9 Responses to “I am not awesome”

  1. Karena August 30, 2010 at 6:27 am #

    Sorry you are feeling not-awesome today (yesterday). I beg to differ. You are calling yourself on having not given your training your all, you have a pretty good idea WHY you let yourself slide off course, and I know you will be out there trying again. I KNOW you can do this. All the people at Shrinking Jeans KNOW you can do this. Walk when you need to — there’s no shame in that (ahem, says the person walking a half marathon next month!). But DON’T give up on yourself!! If you want this, REALLY want it, then commit and DO IT!

  2. Anonymous August 30, 2010 at 1:14 pm #

    *I* think you are awesome for not giving up!!!! 🙂

    • jeninRL August 30, 2010 at 11:56 pm #

      thanks mama! sometimes it is easy to overlook that I am still going for it.


  3. Loser For Life August 30, 2010 at 1:26 pm #

    Jen, first off, you ARE indeed VERY awesome!

    Secondly, we will have this with running. Some runs make us feel like we can do anything and some runs make us feel like we can’t. It’s the crazy thing about running. Every time out there is different. I have found it really is all about the mindset. Anything can throw it off, too – the clothes, the music, the weather – anything. You should feel PROUD that you got out there. You didn’t quit; you just had to cut it short. No biggie. Next run will be better. YOU CAN DO THIS. I know it. 🙂

    • jeninRL August 30, 2010 at 11:55 pm #

      Thanks Marisa!

      What are the chances of you getting down my way for some beach running?!?!


  4. Jen, a priorfatgirl August 30, 2010 at 8:07 pm #

    running running running – it is so frustrating how runs can vary from one to the next. One Saturday I woke up and ran 6 miles and then 3 days later I barely finished 2 miles. 3 days after that sucky 2 miles…I ran 7.

    My point is that running, just like everything else, has its ups and downs. I love that you had Mo there to text with because this whole journey is flippin’ emotional. And what counts is that you don’t give up. That, in itself, proves that you are AWESOME!

    • jeninRL August 30, 2010 at 10:41 pm #

      oh THANK YOU, Jen! You are AWESOME! and I feel the love!!


  5. Nadine August 30, 2010 at 8:11 pm #

    You are awesome because you TRY. Which is SO much more than most people do by that time of day. Just remember you’re not running 6 miles. You’re running 1 mile – really well, 6 times.

    As for the stretching, I don’t know what your run/walk interval is, but there are two ways to do it. You never want to stretch cold muscles, but when your muscles are tight you don’t want to wait until the end of the run to stretch. So, here’s what worked for me (did I tell you this already?) 5 minute warm up (which means, NOT running all out) but at an easy pace — STOP, stretch. Calves, quads, hamstrings (lots of good stretches on couch to 5k website) — then go along your merry way. End of run, last running interval STOP, stretch. Same stretches, plus IT band stretches. It is WORTH it and will help keep you injury free. Promise.

    P.S. Running is all mental. AND its a love hate thing. For me, nothing makes me want to get out there and try again like a ‘bad’ run.

    • jeninRL August 30, 2010 at 10:38 pm #

      Thanks Nadine! You have a way of making me see the upside to what I thought was
      down-right sucky!!

      I will pay attention to stretching during and after my run. And you can be sure
      that I will blog about it.

      Thanks friend & much love!!

      xox, jen


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