ramble on rose

14 Jan

A rambling reflection.

I started blogging here about a year and a half ago as a way to be accountable. I thought I was making this a weight loss blog. The funny thing is, you have to actually be losing weight to be a weight loss blogger. I have not lost any weight in over a year. I can’t even say I maintained because that would be a lie. I gained….not a lot…but I still have gained weight.
I am not sure how I would define myself as a blogger. OR how I even define this blog. I keep hearing this is important – I am not sure it is important to me. I write because I have to write. Lately, I have not been feeling it. I feel like a fraud…or worse than that – I feel lost.
I am back up over 200 pounds and I am not so happy about that. I HATE the number on the scale but I hate how I feel even more. I have that bloaty feeling and my pants are tight. I am not standing with the same confidence I had even a few months ago.
I lost momentum and I am not sure why. Time for some thought and reflection and rambling.
I started 2010 with a feeling that it would be an amazing year. I was going to set the world on fire.
January was one hell of a month. I treadmilled and I walked in my living room with Leslie Sansone. I logged a lot of miles.
February brought on the Couch to 5K – I started C25K February 21, 2010. I liked the running part but did not like the program itself – I am not sure exactly why but it wasn’t for me.
March was a fantabulous month indeed!! I kept up with run/walk intervals and even ran an entire mile. Fitbloggin weekend was amazingly fantastic: I met some awesome bloggy/twitter friends at an amazing conference hosted by the lovely, Roni.
April brought LA Boxing into my world. A perk of Fitbloggin was meeting John and Keith who totally hooked me up with 3 months at the gym. Kickboxing is so much fun. I really enjoyed my three months.
Fast forward through a very hot summer…
In October I finished my first half marathon.

And then I did just about nothing. No real running. No real working out.
In December, I sort of got back to the groove. I started running/working out again with the help of one of my students. Jill came to me because she needed someone to listen, someone who understands, someone who will help – I am honored that I am that someone. Honestly, Jill has helped me so much more than I am helping her.

I have to admit I half-assed my way through to the end of 2010.
January started to approach and the word on twitter and facebook and the blogosphere was RESOLUTION – as in, New Year’s Resolution…
PANIC!

I was so scared of making some big dramatic resolution and failing. Last year wasn’t exactly a failure but it wasn’t a huge success either. I am rather disappointed in my performance in 2010. I do not want to fail myself in 2011. So, I made no resolutions this year.  I did join a few challenges but no real resolution.

Mel blogged about being Interested or Committed.

After reflecting, I know that I have made no real commitment to myself.  How lame am I?!? This whole journey requires effort and commitment. If I want to make any progress I have to make full commitment.

Then I read Roni asking “Are you Ready?”

Am I ready?

Am I ready?

Can I commit to me?

Just the other day I asked for a do over. The day was just lousy – one of those days where Murphy really had it out for me.  Well, can I have a do over of sorts for last year? I would like to make up for my half-ass attempt at healthy living. I would like to make up for my half-ass half marathon. I want a do over but I need to go into it knowing and feeling what I know and feel now.

So far I am starting this year with challenges that work for me. The Power of One is all about me – which obviously is working since I am really thinking and  talking about me.  The 100Days Challenge is all about intentional movement – and of course that is just awesome (especially this week, I have been sick but made efforts to use the steps extra and walking/pacing extra to get in my 30 minutes even though I have been way too tired for a real workout)!

I have reflected and I want to move forward. I am still working out the details on how I commit to me.

Am I ready?

What am I ready to do? to be?

ramble on rose

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5 Responses to “ramble on rose”

  1. KCLAnderson (Karen) January 15, 2011 at 2:04 am #

    Have you considered that you might just be fine, right this very minute, exactly the way you are? Instead of approaching this from the perspective of, “there’s something wrong with me and I need to fix it,” how about taking a deep breath, softening your eyes, relaxing your posture, and taking a long look at yourself in the mirror and saying…”ah Jen…you are beautiful. You are okay and I love you right now.” Try that on for size. I’m not saying, “don’t exercise” and I am not saying, “pig out on food.” What I am saying is, stop being so hard on yourself…along with intentional movement, how about some intentional self love?

  2. Jenn @ Watch My Butt Shrink! January 15, 2011 at 2:10 am #

    Holy Crap, Jen, I just wrote a very similar blog post (going up tomorrow)!!! I just felt like I haven’t been ready to really commit.
    It seems to me, based on your post, that you do best when you are working toward a goal. The C25K, the conference, the 3 months at LA Boxing, the race….they all gave you something to work toward. Maybe you can find a new race, or some other goal that you can commit to? I think that’s something I need to do for myself as well.
    You’ll find your groove – be patient and be KIND to yourself! If you never lost another pound you’d still be one amazing, awesome chick!

  3. Sheri January 15, 2011 at 3:01 am #

    Jen, I know kind of what your going through I have a post coming out in the morning discussing some of my current weight gain.

    Its not much but its enough that warning signs are blaring. You have to decide now if you want to be thin and healthy or overweight and unhealthy.

    Don’t gain anymore weight, you know how hard it is to get it off. All it takes is 1 good day on your plan again. You’ll feel reinvigorated, energized and positive, that is what we miss when we maintain our weight and its hard to keep it going.

  4. Thea January 15, 2011 at 5:58 pm #

    I wrote almost the exact same post for my Fitness Friday…and posted to the same two bloggers.

    I have the same committment issues. My desire is there, but my heart is not. I know exactly how you feel, but I’m not sure how to change it. But please know that I am in the exact same boat!

  5. DareToBecome January 16, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    I needed some time to think about this before I responded. First, I love what Karen said. We are infinitely too hard on ourselves. Before I get to the commitment part, this caught my eye “OR how I even define this blog. I keep hearing this is important”. Important how and why? It is important for those who are trying to find sponsors ($$$) for their sites, which is fine but also very transparent. When I see that a blog is written truly to attract sponsorship without any care given to their readers, I pass on by. I can count on one hand how many product reviews I’ve read on sites where the product was given that they reviewer didn’t “LOVE”. There is nothing wrong with your blog just the way it is. You don’t need to change it for anyone!
    As for the commitment part – this is hard for EVERYONE! It was very hard for me in the beginning. It’s even harder for those that don’t have home team support in their efforts. It becomes a one woman/man show for people like that and it is hard. I think for me it is why I always register for events 12 months out at a time. It then hovers there for me at the back of my mind and I can follow a schedule. In the beginning it can be something as easy as “I will move my body each day for a minimum of 30 minutes”. Xxoo Lori

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