yesterday she cried

31 Mar

I really think there must be some mistake!
My beautiful little girl is 1 year and a couple of months away from being a teenager.
My little girl is my reason for everything.
Having my daughter gave me the strength to:

  • walk away from an abusive relationship
  • keep her safe and away from bad people (even if one provided half of her dna)
  • go to college to provide her a better life
  • work full time and go to school full time to try and provide more
  • become a teacher
  • teach in a very difficult area (I don’t teach in an inner city but I teach at-risk youth)
  • reach out to be more than just an English teacher for my students
  • take a look at my own living and change things
  • eat better and become physically active – she deserves a healthy, active mom
  • learn to cook
  • accept love

Ok, so this could go on an on! My daughter is amazing and I am completely biased, but she is an amazing kid.

Yesterday was a very tough day all around.

In 6th grade science class, my daughter is learning all about DNA and recessive and dominant genes, and all the wonderful sciencey stuff.  Q came home from school yesterday and pulled me aside to ask if she had any pictures of me and sperm donor (no he was not an actual sperm donor but he has not been in MY daughter’s life since she was 10 months old) because she needed it for science class.

I could tell that Q hated even asking me.  She was whispering because she didn’t want Big Man to hear. She didn’t want to upset him.

Backstory…Big Man has been in our lives since Q was 4 years old. She calls him dad and in every sense of the word Big Man is her daddy. She even asked him to marry her, when he was done marrying me.  I will never forget that day, my curly haired, blue eyed little munchkin – (she was a tiny little thing, especially standing next to Big Man in all his 6’4” glory) – stood on a chair and tried looking Big Man in the eye and asekd him, “when you’re done marrying my mommy, do you think you’d want to be my daddy?!?”

Talk about heart-melting and tear welling!! I am not sure who was more emotional, me or Big Man.

 

Ok, so back to this science subject.

Q knows that Big Man is not her biological father but don’t ever tell her he isn’t her dad.  Crazy thing, she acts so much like Big Man sometimes!! Q may know this but it doesn’t mean she is less hurt.

When she was 3, Q asked me if her dad was dead. It broke my heart but I was honest with her. When I told her he was not a good man and we were better without him.  She stopped, thought about this for a few seconds and then broke my heart when she asked, “why doesn’t he love me enough to be good?”

Yesterday, Q reminded me of that little 3-year old, hurt and not knowing why.  This unit in science is going to be difficult for my little girl.  I asked her if she wanted me to call the teacher. Q said, “no, mommy, I can handle it.”

My little girl is growing up.

I can’t shield her from all the hurt that may come her way.

I can’t protect her from everything….

but I can cry with her!

I can stay strong for her!

I can cry for her!

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14 Responses to “yesterday she cried”

  1. christieo March 31, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

    what a beautiful post, jen, really. an amazing little girl you’ve got there, i know it must hurt to watch her hurt but she’s got great support and a great family, biological or not. *hugs* to a great mama.

  2. girlsworld March 31, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

    Wow. What an amazing daughter you are raising. She smart, thoughtful, and caring. ((hugs)) to you, mama.

  3. Shannon March 31, 2011 at 4:59 pm #

    This breaks my heart. It is so hard when the world around us brings these types of things to light. I think you may already know but Rotten #1 and #2 are from my first marriage and Mr. Fabulous is dad to them in every sense of the word. You being honest with her about everything is the best thing you can do. It seems like through school this will come up often but as long as she knows how loved she is and is well informed of the truth behind the situation she will be okay.
    That question of why doesn’t he love me is UGH! My response to my boys has always been that he (my x) does not know any better and it is really sad because he is missing out big time on what wonderful boys they are. We have also discussed when they are adults if they want to find him I am okay with it, they deserve that but I have not ever sugar coated what type of person he is or gave them any sort of hope for a healthy normal relationship.
    You just keep being the amazing mom that you are and Q will turn out just like you and that will be a beautiful thing! XOXO

  4. jeepjenn March 31, 2011 at 5:21 pm #

    You can’t shield her, but it sounds like you gave her the tools to wprk her way through it, and come out ok on the other end. Jen, you are a great mom!You answer her questions honestly, and no one can ask for more than that!

  5. Heather March 31, 2011 at 5:36 pm #

    You made ME well up with tears!!!! I do very much know what you mean about not being able to protect her from all of the hurt this world can (and will) cause. 😦

  6. Angela March 31, 2011 at 5:36 pm #

    Well you know how much this hits home with me. I guess I never thought about that aspect and how we are going to handle it if we have to face the same situation. I’m not sad for Q though. She knows love, real love from you and Big Man. You did what was awesome and best for her and she knows that. There’s something to be said for the love shared between a “dad” and a “daughter” who don’t share DNA. You made her strong.. she can handle it, just like she said. 🙂

  7. alifechangingjourney March 31, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

    Beautiful…

    Don’t forget to cry for yourself.

    She is who she is because of what you do for her.

    That too is worth a few delicious emotion filled tears of love.

  8. Terri (@teetee_71) March 31, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

    Right now I just cried! She is such a wonderful young woman (yep…I said woman 🙂 ) and that is because of how you and her true daddy have raised her. I understand this very well, as L doesn’t have or ever has had any contact with his “sperm donor”. But I look at it like this, he was a gift to me, when I needed that kind of gift. Having him probably saved my life. He was mine. Mine alone. I’ve never had to share him on holidays or weekends. I’ve instilled my beliefs on his and made him the good man he has become. I may sound selfish and maybe I am when it comes to my boy. But I gave his bio-father every opportunity to step up to the plate, but he chose not to. You should be proud of the job you’ve done raising such a remarkable child!! We are both good mamas with great kiddos!! XOXO

  9. Jules - Big Girl Bombshell March 31, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

    Absolutely..you can cry with her, for her, AND then cry the happy tears for all the hard work YOU have done to give her that better life…

    YOU took the step to break the cycle and perhaps the answer for Q is…it isn’t how much or little he loves you…he doesn’t love himself enough to be better and we can’t change that ….

  10. Bari March 31, 2011 at 7:27 pm #

    Q is growing into an amazing young woman and she has you and Big Man to thank for that. DNA can make someone a father, but only love can make someone a Dad. She is lucky to have such a great Dad and such a great Mom who would do all that you’ve done to make your lives better.

  11. KCLAnderson (Karen) April 1, 2011 at 12:22 am #

    “why doesn’t he love me enough to be good?”

    And that is is at the heart of all heartbreak…forever and ever. When we’re little children, we think that anything that happens is because of us. And it takes a very, very long time to realize that this isn’t the case. Q is so very lucky to have you as her Mom Jen. Peace to both of you.

  12. mike April 1, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    wow. what a post! I think that her ability to tackle this subject head on and as strong as she is, is a testament to how great of a job you and Big Man have done raising her.

  13. Kyra April 1, 2011 at 3:12 pm #

    Tears, of sadness and happiness, are welling up as I read this. You are such an amazing momma, and you, Q and Big Man are an amazing family. Much love to you all. {{hugs}}

  14. Thea @ Im A Drama Mama April 1, 2011 at 4:21 pm #

    You know what? It *kinda* sounds like you are raising a girl who is going to be as strong as you are.

    That’s just my perspective, though.

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